FAQ
How did Thief get its name?
The original members of Thief were big fans of THE WHO and to pay homage to their idols they wanted to call themselves THE IF (since THE WHAT, THE WHERE and THE HOW were already taken by other local bands). Unfortunately, when they ordered their first batch of business cards, the printer misspelled their name as THI EF. Not wanting to waste another $7.95 on new cards, they just changed their name.
Why is Brian so tall?
That is purely an optical illusion. Brian is actually of average height, but on stage, compared to the other members of the band, who are freakishly short, he appears tall. If you notice, at gigs, the other members of the band will never approach audience members unless they are seated (and therefore unable to recognize their dwarfish dimensions).
Is it true that Dennis won't say "shit" even if he had a mouthful of it?
That is true and has been confirmed through a series of actual scientific (and rather disgusting) tests.
Is it true that Dave has no actual musical ability and is only in the band because he is the only one smart enough to set up the P.A. system?
That is true. But, Dave has an enormous, yet fragile, ego and believes that he is a virtuoso on both guitar and keyboards so never point at him and laugh hysterically during Thief performances.
How come Doug gets to be the lead singer?
First of all, because he is the oldest. Second of all, because he has threatened to kick the ass of anyone who tries to "steal his spotlight."
Is it true that some music critics have claimed that Thief is a better band than the Beatles?
That is true, with a disclaimer. What the critics said is that Thief is better than the Beatles in two respects. First, the Beatles were only together for less than 10 years and Thief has been together over 25 years. That makes Thief "better" as far as staying together. Secondly, half of the Beatles are dead and yet all Thief members, current and former, are still alive. That makes Thief far superior to the Beatles at staying alive. As far as musical ability, impact on popular culture and the effect each band has had on an entire generation, it's really a coin toss.
Why is Rudy now playing a five-string bass instead of the traditional four-string model that he used to play?
Because for years Rudy has been whining and complaining that he only had four strings while the rest of the front line members had six. The other guys got tired of listening to him so they pitched in and bought him a low "B" string to shut him up. Hopefully, that will satisfy him for a while.
Thief's motto is "the more you drink, the better we sound" is there any truth to that?
A review of gig recordings reveals that, surprisingly, the band does not actually sound better in front of a drunk audience than it does in front of a sober audience. But scientific tests conclude that a drunk audience is much more forgiving of miscues, wrong notes and just plain bad musicianship.
Is it true that Thief's performance gets progressively better as they consume more beer and tequila throughout the gig?
There is a definite split of opinion on that issue. Dave, Doug, Rudy and Brian are convinced that the more they drink the closer they come to reaching that mystical "musical nirvana." Dennis strongly disagrees. He is firmly convinced that the more the other four drink the closer the band comes to sounding like "a monkey fucking a football."
Why does Thief have a strict "no request" policy?
Because adding a requested song into a set is an extremely risky move. Thief can just barely play the songs on their set list without adding unnecessary variables like "requests."
Why doesn't Thief perform at weddings?
There are several reasons. People who attend wedding receptions expect a certain polished professionalism from wedding bands which Thief sorely lacks. Thief prefers playing at sleazy bars where the expectations of the audience are significantly lower, and therefore attainable. Also, Thief doesn't like anyone telling them what to do, such as Aunt Gladys requesting a mambo or the bride's father requesting the band to put the beer keg back where they found it.
What is the band's favorite drink?
Alcohol (especially free alcohol).
Why do Brian and Dave wear glasses when they perform?
There are several reasons. First, they both think they look smarter with glasses. Second, they can't see without them. Which leads to the third reason: In the unlikely event that a hot chick at a Thief gig flashes the band, Brian and Dave don't want to miss out.
Why do the guys in Thief look so old?
It depends on how you define "old." They may appear to be slightly older than, let's say, Justin Timberlake, but you must admit, they keep themselves in excellent shape. And, compared to the Rolling Stones, the members of Thief are actually quite young. Compared to Beethoven and Bach they are practically newborns. And, compared to the planet earth they haven't EVEN FUCKING BEEN BORN YET!!!!